Diamond Mind
by Baroness Emma
Summary: What Tak was thinking during Dimi's torture. Spoilers for Episode 4 of Altered Carbon.


**Diamond Mind**

* * *

"Virtual constructs always hurt."

 _They are a shard of glass in your mind. Flat and hard. Jagged and sharp. They force your mind open in places never meant to be laid bare - they block off corridors of thought essential for your continued existence._

 _There will always be pain._

"Always."

 _Even the benevolent constructs, the just-for-fun ones, the not-designed-specifically-to-murder-you-over-and-over ones, still feel like a lump of glass, worn by the sand and waves into a frosted, unreal, foreign mass, shoved into your brain. At the best, they will feel like a bruise, or a bee sting, and always in a place you cannot reach._

"This pain is your advantage."

 _You must take hold of the edge in your mind, slide down the unyielding surface until you reach the embedded point, let it cut you open, let it divide you, and embrace the slicing blade as it stabs into your consciousness._

"Constructs are elaborate, enforcable lies. But they are also obvious about it. Too obvious for an Envoy. And an obvious lie is no longer a lie. It is a tool. Reduce a construct to mere pain, and you have gained the upper hand."

 _Constructs always hit a seam of adamant eventually. Even the most weak-willed Humans have a core of diamond in there somewhere. A glimmer of a hero in the softest Stack. A heart of solid soul that rebells at being violated._

 _You must let the construct find it. You must hold on to the pain and terror. They are your guides._

"The faster your walls come down, the faster you can shake the foundations of the construct."

 _The pain is your doorway back to the real._

 _Embrace it._

"Break yourself before it breaks you."

* * *

When Dimi the Twin brings out the blowtorch, I know I am close to breaking. Which one of us will manage to break me first, I cannot say.

We'll find out soon, though.

I always knew my pain tolerance was high, but I never knew being _melted_ wasn't my limit.

I mean, I've been flayed, crushed, fed into a shredder groin-first, and eaten by rats.

And that's just today.

Not to mention that _five_ of my previous sleeves died by being shot, two died of poison, two bled out after being stabbed, one drowned in sewage, and one died of dehydration after two weeks of hemorrhagic diarrhea.

Yeah. That was quite the mission. CTAC actually gave me a raise and an upgraded sleeve after that one.

And I _still_ prefer it to this.

I flail and claw to keep my mind from blanking out. The pain is indescribable, but it _still_ isn't enough. I _must_ stay conscious. I must find the edge of this blade.

 _Get to the next screen. . ._

My consciousness slashes across the impenetrable plain of the construct. I've gone wild and desperate, wide-eyed and incoherent.

I can't believe I haven't reached the edge yet. My _bones_ are on fire here. . .

 _It's been too long since I last did this. . ._

I guess 250 years on ice can build some awfully strong mental walls. It's never taken me this long to gain the advantage.

 _Not even when. . . when She. . ._

"Get back to the Real, Tak. Take what is offered. Take control. Follow me."

Finally. . . . . . . _finally_ Quell comes to me.

The voice in my head. My Muse. My conscience.

My avenging angel.

The construct resets. Dimi breaks out these alien things that look like they're going to eat me from the inside out.

 _No, not look. They_ _ **will**_ _._

He doesn't know that I welcome whatever he's going to do next. Quell is here.

I can't lose.

He's insane, but I've found the edge now. He's run up against my heart, and only one of us will shatter.

 _I am yours, my love. Every cell of this sleeve. Every thought in my Stack. Forever and ever and always. . ._

 _She_ broke me centuries before Dimi was born.

He doesn't have a chance.

I cut myself open, riding the slicing edge of the construct like it will rip my mind in half.

And, of course, it does.

 _Get to the next screen. . ._

When I awake, she is still there, and now. . . now. . .

Finally. . .

I have the upper hand.

" _Divide et impera._ "

* * *

A diamond mind does not break.

It breaks you.


End file.
